Coming at the end of a large family, I can testify to family bullying. In a story too long to type let me summarize. I have always seen the double standards and different rules for different people within our family, but never had the courage to object to any of it. My mother's philosophy was, don't say anything to cause a fight. Unfortunately, this only applied to those whom she could control. Those who were soft. It meant that the rest of the sisters could say and do whatever they liked. Although this has caused tremendous hurt to some of us, we had no way of dealing with any of it. Lately, I have found it very hard to ignore this bullying. I have tried to find a way to bring my mothers attention to it but she has never been a big fan of anyone having a difference of opinion to her.

I am the youngest in a family of 9 and have travelled in and out the road to my mother's house to take her anywhere she needs to go. I have done this for the last 13yrs and have expected nothing in return. I really thought we had built a good relationship but since trying to bring her attention to the fact that maybe saying nothing is not the right thing, the relationship has deteriorated. I feel really sad about this, but after 38yrs of ignoring things I am determined to stick it out. There are now 3 sisters that no longer speak to one another. My eldest sister no longer speaks to mum. I can see the faults on all sides but when I say this to mum, she gets defencive and sees no fault in herself, although she constantly says she has no problem saying when she wrong. The thing is, she never is. There are a lot in my family like that, unfortunately. They never say sorry for anything they do.

Only very lately, I had to approach one of my sisters. Her daughter has caused my daughter so much anguish that after 2yrs and an incident at their ice-hockey practice, I decided that enough was enough. This sister was my main bully when I was growing up and I decided that my daughter was not going to go down the same painful road as me. She had tried on numerous occasions to stop this herself, but to no avail. Well, how do I say this. She completely lost the plot. She said the most awful things to me, mostly about my husband and daughter. She wanted to hurt me in the most awful way and she did.

We didn't talk for a long while but eventually I did. She never apologised and now it's as if it never happened. But it did and although I have spoken to her again, I cannot forget as easily. I have recently been thinking about staying away altogether. For my daughter's sake and for my own mental health. We'll see how things go.

Cath, I can empathize with you. 

I've also experienced bullying in my family as well as in school as a child.  I am sorry for what you are going through; it is extremely hard to know exactly what to do when it comes to extended family like that.  And I know how much more it hurts when it is hurting your own children too.  I think it would be hard for anyone to advise you on what to do about that, but certainly it would be understandable to just try to avoid those who are saying hurtful things to your daughter and you.

I know you don't know me, but I really empathize with you, and I will say a prayer for you.:)

Faith Hoffen

Dear Faith, thank you so much for your prayers and understanding words. They are much appreciated. The fact that you have gone through something similar is so sad. Bullying on any level and in any circumstance is unforgivable but I hope you realise, as I have come to realise, that bullying is never the victim's fault. It's the helpless feelings that accompany bullying that make it worse, and you are right. When it comes to your own child experiencing bullying, those feelings are multiplied. However, you know what they say. That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

God bless you,

Cath.

Cath,

I am the eldest of eight children born in less than 9 years. I am almost 50.

When i was a child/teen I did act in a bullying way to to some of my sisters.  Often it was teasing gone too far. Mostly it was a case of intolerance, boredom and abusing my power as the eldest.

Sometimes my sister annoyed me just by her presence. She was often sulky and sullen and humorless. I annoyed her just for entertainment and to get a laugh from other siblings. I didn't physically hurt her, but I verbally teased and niggled. Sometimes I just gave her hateful looks. Over time it wore her down. My parents didn't intervene as they thought 'kids will be kids'. Plus a lot was done out of their sight.

These days I am a lot more self aware and feel very badly for the way I behaved. I have apologised in a long letter many years ago, but my sister didn't accept it. She disappeared for 20 years from the family (the bullying is a small part of the story, but add in mental health issues, feeling 'different', a broken marriage, allegations of sexual abuse etc) and only returned on Friday!!

Anyway, what I am getting around to is...your sister may feel very guilty and confronted by you. If you need to discuss what was said, how about writing a letter - maybe hand deliver it or read it to her (writing the letter will help you chose the right words).

Start off by saying that you want to have a good relationship and thats why you need to tackle an issue that has been upsetting you. Try and show that you have some empathy (eg i know it must have been difficult to hear my accuations against your child and so you naturally defended her). Try to stay calm and walk away if she begins to abuse you, yell etc.

If she can't accept responsibility for her actions and give you the apology you seek, what kind of relationship would that be? Where would the trust and respect be? Show her where the line is that she has clearly over stepped.

Cath,

I completely empathize with your situation.  The unfortunate thing about family bullying is that it is not as easy to just walk away or to stand up for oneself. Otherwise, every family occasion and moments in life that should be joyous celebrations become ugly battle grounds.  Those of us that value family tend to tolerate more and so family bullies get away with more and cause more damage. 

I recently realized that I have spent all of my 20s and most of my 30s being bullied and watching those around me being manipulated.  I come from a family of 6 and my bully is my older sister.  For whatever reason, I am the focus of her bullying and not my other siblings.  Her bullying tactics include constant petty verbal attacks, outright mean spirited comments, lying and manipulating others, and encouraging friction within the family.  My sister literally gets a happiness high when she sees the chaos and hurt she causes.

My parent’s way of dealing with it to ask me to just ignore it and to ask my other siblings to also just ignore it so that tension within the family is minimized and that we remain a family—this is after they tried to talk to the bullying sister and were met with denial and hostility.  It has caused so much hurt and anguish in my life.  After 10 years of bearing it, I begun to experience panic attacks and nightmares as family events approached but would force myself to go. I felt obligated.  

I recently realized that life, my life, was not worth living with a situation like that and that my siblings actions would most likely never change.  I also realized that my other siblings and parents would remain bystanders, perhaps they are just afraid of becoming the next target.  I now severely limit my interaction with my family.  While it is not how I would like things to be, I have never experienced such peace, joy, and a new found appreciation of all that life has to offer. I look back and wish I had taken this difficult step earlier because it has really hacked at my soul. I applaud you for taking the step that you are taking for yourself and your daughter, and am sad that we have this common experience. I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much for revealing your experiences. I feel that I am not alone, and I hope to do some more research in order to help myself. My situation is very much similar to what has been described here. I am Russian, firstly I should say that issues like family bulling are not taken seriously. Whenever I try to share mу pain or talk about it, I feel so alone... Most likely I am told that all families are families, and conflicts happen. However, I am not able to get any protection from it, nor can I get any advise upon psychological tactics to resist such type of behavior. I am simply told to ignore it, but the more I ignore it, the more I get bullied.

After I graduated hight school in Russia, I attended university in US for almost 7 years. Afterwards, I had to go back. I rented a flat with my older brother for three years in Moscow. But thank to a crises, we decided to move in our family house and start family business. This is when bulling started to blow out of proportions. My mother and brother constantly blame that I don not work hard enough, that I do not listen to them. My brother is a verbal abuser, he calls me all kinds of names whenever he feels anger. He tells me that I am stupid..... I try hard to work, but they say it is not enough, or I even get something like "You do not do anything, what do you do... I cry often, sometimes out of blue, and my chest hurts so bad. I think I need to see a psychiatrist. Seems that I am not good enough. I used to feel so optimistic, but not anymore. Nothing I do is good enough. And my brother always tells me that he has a right to act so, because he is older. I am 28 years old, and I refuse to be a little sister who is in denial. One time he even hit me with the leather belt, and pulled my hair. This so hard to bear, and even harder to share such situation, because others do not take it seriously as I do. I am so sad. 

Im so sorry for you. You really seem at the end of your rope. Maybe you really need to rethink your living arrangements and create a distance between yourself and your mum and brother. There is never a reason to verbally abuse anyone and never a reason to except it.  It seems to me that you are a smart and clever girl and maybe this is the wakeup call that you need.  I think that for your own safety and mental health you really need to get away from these people, in particular your brother.  Certainly I think you need to talk to someone and a psychologist may be the right person. Not a psychiatrist. You are not mad and this is in no way, as far as I can see, your fault. I wish you all the best and I will pray for you.

God bless

Cath.

I feel more relieved after reading all your posts.  No-one i know has the same problems i do - i am incredibly jealous of people who get on with their siblings! 

Well i only have problems with one.  I am the eldest and i have 2 younger sisters: one of which, the one i don't get on well with, is only a year and a half younger than myself.  I think she has a severe case of middle child syndrome.  Ever since we were children she has always caused a scene to get her own way - she would scream, yell, kick anything to get her own way.  My mum sometimes tried to discipline her but nothing worked and inevitably she gave up and gave in to her demands.  Because we are so close in age i feel that she thinks we are on the same level or she is above me in some way - we used to get treated the same when we were little which hasn't helped the situation as we have grown older.

It has been worst most recently though over the past few years - she has changed dramatically.  She's very verbal with her abuse and she will often do anything to belittle me and upset me - She will make a rude comment about the way i eat, the way i dress, the way i sit to the point where i actually have no confidence in myself anymore.  There was one time she was very physically violent to me and it left me with bruising on my arms for weeks.  This is something she has never apologised for.  And my mum and  dad just let her get away with it.

Personally i don't think she will ever change - she is a typical bully who will do anything to make herself feel like a bigger person.  I can't wait to move out and feel free!!!

I am a mother if 5, We are a blended family and I see constant bullying going on with the kids, I do what I can to stop it, I try to make things fair, but there is a consistant persistant antagonistic behavior with my kids. Where can I get help????

Esam5