In her recent book, "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children," clinical psychologist and researcher Dr. Ruth Nemzoff offers parents what some may consider unusual advice. As their children reach adulthood, parents are often advised that it's time to back off and let go—to cut the apron strings and send their adult children out into the world to make their independent mark on the world. Not so fast, cautions Nemzoff. She believes that many parents miss out on close and rewarding relationships with their adult children when they take this kind of advice too literally. In her clinical practice she regularly encounters parents who would love to have more intimacy with their adult children—as well as adult children who would love to have more intimacy with their parents. "Not talking about what we care about is a sure way to create barriers," she says. "Forget trying to bite your tongue at all costs. Instead, use the skills you employ in other situations to communicate." After all, most of us have other close relationships in which we communicate successfully. "Another problem with silence," points out Nemzoff, "is that it leaves the intended recipient of the communication with questions. Does your silence mean approval, disapproval, or just disinterest? Children "hear" or read into our silences because our body language, our actions, and our moods convey content-filled messages. Silence is not golden; it can lead to tension and misunderstanding." Adult children will, of course, be relieved to know that Nemzoff is not suggesting that parents should run their children's lives. Her message is about intimacy and interest rather than interference. "The task is not to let go, but to figure out how to be available yet not controlling of each other's lives. We need to let our children know we are interested in their lives, and hopefully they will be interested in ours. Together parents and emerging adults need to craft a way of finding a balance between losing touch and smothering each other." As Nemzoff explained to me In an interview, parents and adult children need good relationships with each other over the course of their entire lives. And while parents do "let go" in some ways, "it's all about gradually learning how to stay connected in each stage. As we get older, how do we live perfectly independent lives yet remain able to share the joys and the sorrows—the frustrations of life?" How indeed? Fortunately, Nemzoff has plenty of well-researched advice to offer on that topic. Don't Bite Your Tongue promises to be an intergenerational classic with a rightful place on every bookshelf. In fact, many parents may want to discuss it around the dinner table long before their children reach adulthood. | 
